Drowning

by Elizabeth on January 22, 2012 · 8 comments

in life, struggles

Do you ever have days where you feel like you’re about to drown?  You’re just treading water, doing everything you can to keep that next wave from pulling you down?  Ever have whole weeks like that?  Months?

I do.  I’m there right now.  Just trying to keep my head above water; trying to keep myself from going under.  Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming… 🙂

There’s only so much you can do on days when your biggest accomplishment was making it through the day without falling apart.  When it takes everything you have to get out of bed in the morning.  To get dressed.  To work.  To talk to friends.  To write.  To keep up the appearance that everything is fine.  To keep everyone from noticing that you’re slipping down that dark hole again.

Luckily, there’s light at the other end of that hole.  It’s not always easy to see, but every once and while, I get a glimpse of life on the other side.  Where it doesn’t hurt.  Where there is laughter and sunshine and happiness.

It’s fleeting; only there for a few minutes or a few hours.  Then the hole begins to close, the water begins to creep back up over my head.  And I’m back down in the dark.  Wondering when I’ll see the light again.

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Molly January 23, 2012 at 12:22 pm

It will get better. I promise.
In the meantime – you got out of bed – GOLD STAR! You got dressed AND got to work – BIG PAT ON THE BACK! You put up a blog post – WOOHOO! Be proud of these things. I am.

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2 Amelia January 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I’m right there with you. For every day I’m doing great and ready to face the world head on there are two or three days when it’s a struggle to get myself up and moving out the door for work. Then there are the days when the only thing that gets me out of bed is knowing that as web master for our Jane Austen group I have to schedule at least 4 tweets and/or make sure there is a blog post ready to post. Then it’s back in bed and under the covers.

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3 Carol Wallace January 23, 2012 at 3:50 pm

I found your blog because I wanted to read a blog written by a librarian just because that is the world I love. I wanted to live for a moment vicariously through another librarian because I miss that world so much. Your job is completely different than the one I had but I enjoy your blog just because you are interesting. I worked in a public library, youth dept, for 20 years. I struggled with depression the entire time. At first I thought I was “normal”—I didn’t know what I felt was depression. After I got on medication I had good days and bad days but I was able to function and do my job. I absolutely loved my job. Almost 2 years ago my meds quit working and I had a nervous breakdown. I eventually had to retire and am still trying to recover. Please don’t let yourself get to that point. I haven’t read back in your blog far enough to know if you have been diagnosed with depression or if you have a psychiatrist but I urge you, URGE you to see one because I care about you and I don’t want you to crash like I did. Take care of yourself!

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4 Carol Wallace January 23, 2012 at 3:56 pm

its me again 🙂 your blog entry sounded so much like my days I could have written it myself. Again, please take care of yourself. I want you to feel better. You can always visit my blog or email me if you would like moral support.

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5 Amy January 23, 2012 at 8:07 pm

I so can relate to this. I love you, and I’m proud of you for recognizing your low points and pushing yourself through them. <3

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6 Cate January 24, 2012 at 6:18 am

Oh Lizy, I know exactly how you feel and it is miserable. When I was in high school, I thought about suicide every morning when I woke up…mostly because the depression itself was SO exhausting that I couldn’t imagine making it through the day. All I wanted was to “sleep.”

So, hang in there. I love Molly’s way of looking at it, too. 🙂

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7 Carol Wallace January 24, 2012 at 5:27 pm

I love what Molly posted as well. “Drowning” was so beautifully written…could I possibly have your permission to use it as a guest post on my blog, giving you full credit? please and thank you. I can’t tell you how many times after just totally exhausting myself to “pull off” being cheerful and productive and “together” during an 8 hour day I would get in my car and cry all the way home from the sheer exhaustion of it. Hope you are doing ok, I worry about you. I promise, things will get better if you get some help. Consider yourself hugged! Your readers care about you.

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