The End. Or Is It the Beginning?

About a month ago The Carpenter asked if we could take a break.  He needed some time to “get his life together”.

This was not unsurprising to me nor was it very upsetting.  We had been having problems on and off for over 6 months and things had gotten progressively worse since we returned from our cruise.  While I won’t go into all of our issues, because many of them are very personal, I will say that yes, The Carpenter did need some time to figure himself out and get back on track.  He had drifted very far from the man I met and fell in love with more than 18 months ago.

As much as I wanted things to work and wanted him to return to being that man, I didn’t believe he could.  The past months had shown me that he wasn’t truly ready to make a change nor was he ready to make the kind of commitment I had hoped was in our near future.  I actually attempted to break up with him in mid-February but chickened out.  So when he said he needed time, all I felt was relief.  This was my way out, a way to end things that wasn’t dramatic and didn’t end up with one of us in tears on the floor (okay that would have just been me).  He said he wanted a couple of weeks to figure things out and then we’d go from there.  And then he left, because going to play pool was more important than trying to fix our relationship.

That sealed the deal for me.  I was done.  Done feeling like I came second, third, even fourth place in his life, done feeling like it was somehow my fault that things weren’t working, done worrying and stressing about him.  Just done.

I called my mom, who is awesome, and she came right over.  I know I did cry a little but I just couldn’t help but feel relieved.  What he did with his life was no longer my problem.  My parents have always been super supportive and let me spend the night with them so I didn’t have to be alone and dwell.  I am a champion dweller so it’s best to just avoid those situations.

I was both surprised and not surprised when the next two weeks turned out to be much happier (or at least less stressful and anxiety filled) weeks than anything in the recent past.  I thought I would miss The Carpenter more, and I did at first.  It was very hard to not get a “good morning” text, to not have someone to share random stuff with throughout the day, and someone to talk to before bed.  But after the first three or four days of adjustment and a few almost breakdown moments, I was actually doing really well.  Again, I was both surprised and not.  I knew things were bad but I wasn’t prepared for how much relief I would feel.  I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

For two weeks, The Carpenter and I had zero communication.  Two weeks to the day that he asked me to take a break, he called and asked if we could talk.  In my mind, we were done, but in his we were still on a break.  I knew this and knew that I needed to end things with him and get some closure for both of us.

The Carpenter was surprised when I told him that I was finished, had been finished since he walked out of my house two weeks ago.  Despite him not attempting to fix any of his problems, he apparently thought that because he missed me, I would fall back into his arms and we could pick up where we left of.  He was wrong.  I know I upset him and I know that I hurt him, and I struggled with feeling guilty about that for a while.  I (and everyone else around me) kept reminding myself that I had to think of me, that it is okay to be selfish in these situations because it was obvious that our relationship wasn’t healthy.  When you have emotional and mental problems like I do, you have to be very careful to stay away from people and things that can trigger anxiety and depression.  For the sake of my own mental health, I had to step away and protect myself.

For the next few days, The Carpenter tried to reach out to me via text.  He kept texting me that he missed me, that he saw me everywhere, that I couldn’t understand how hard not talking to me was.  I finally had to ask him to stop texting me because we needed to move on.  He responded with a snarky text (which of course I felt guilty about), but he did stop texting me.  I was ready to move on with my life, and I couldn’t with him still popping up every once in a while.

I was done.  Our relationship had come to an end.  While I do feel like it is an ending, it is also a beginning.  I learned so much from my relationship with The Carpenter and I feel like I know myself and what I want much better.  I am beginning a new life as a single woman again.  It’s scary, but my god it’s so much easier than being in a relationship.  Who would have thought? 😉